Results tagged “theonion”

It may be dark, dark days for those loyal to the Washington Redskins, but those with glass half-full attitudes will recognize this as an opening for a golden age of 'Skins-related self-deprecating humor. The product on the field might be downright unwatchable, but at least we've stumbled upon: a) the subsequent parade of funny homemade T-shirts, b) the quintessential Zorn-face, and of course c) one of the most ridiculously hilarious stories in NFL history: the "consultant" who hadn't coached a down in the league for four-plus years and whose previous job was volunteering as a bingo number caller, who this week was given a promotion to the role of offensive playcaller after only two weeks on the job.

The Onion's regular American Voices segment takes on the D.C. HIV/AIDS epidemic today, proving once again that there is no holy mad cow disease too sacred for America's Finest News Source.

>> "The D.C. inspector general's office has confiscated computers from the offices of the National Capital Revitalization Corp., the quasi-public agency that develops District land in low-income areas and that the city plans to abolish by September." [WaPo] >> One of the victims of the Unifest crash may have died. [City Desk] >> "Investigators are looking into who altered pro wrestler Chris Benoit's Wikipedia entry to mention his wife's death hours before authorities discovered...

Last night, satirical D.C. newcomers The Onion threw themselves a little D.C. fete to celebrate their recent local launch. Editor Joe Garden prefaced his welcoming remarks by relating that he had, on the previous evening, attended an event with “people from… Reuters and Bloomberg News” but that he was much happier spending his time with a few hundred of his new friends at the Black Cat. Well, of course he is! We all know what...

>> D.C. United host rivals New England in a game nationally televised on ESPN2. Posters and t-shirts await the first 10,000 and 3,000 entrants, respectively. Be sure to get there early for food, drink, and some party rock courtesy of Love Seed Mama Jump in Lot 8. [RFK Stadium (tickets still available), 7 p.m. kickoff; pregame festivities at 5:30 p.m.] >> Don't forget the Onion's D.C. kickoff party with Georgie James, Neil Hamburger, Aziz...

Controversy In Captivity From the disturbed minds at the Onion News Network: Fictional National Zoo giant panda Yun Mei is pro-choice. >> As part of a promotion for his new movie, Kickin' It Old School, Jamie Kennedy taped himself breakdancing at various locations all over Washington, D.C. We know, we couldn't believe Jamie Kennedy still had a career, either. [AOL Video Blog] >> Jimmy Kimmel gave Gawker editor Emily Gould a right serious spanking during...

Last week the Washington City Paper unveiled a redesign featuring "more color and a new convenient size." Paper pushers were even out in force at several Metro stations pimping the new look. Once we got our hands on the issue though, these lofty promises fell a bit flat. Their Web site redesign early this year got our nod of approval, but after some thought the print edition has no such luck.

Texas is thawing, the Northeast is freezing, and a sort of natural order seems almost restored to the Ist-A-Verse. Almost. Londonist HQ—that is to say, the city of London—was battered by heavy winds, making it a bad time to be a twelve-meter (nearly forty-foot) tall snowman. Still, not everyone decided to keep warmly covered. Meanwhile, back indoors, the Big Brother racism is now causing all kinds of headaches for international diplomats, and Londonist got into...

Does this mean we're a real city now? The Washington Post reports some fantastic news today -- they're teaming up with The Onion to provide free print versions of America's Finest News Source in news boxes and by newspaper sellers around D.C. starting in April. Washington will be The Onion's 10th city for paper distribution. The Onion, self-described as "America's Finest News Source," claims a national print circulation of 599,000. It says 67 percent of...

Sometimes The Onion is scarily prescient. Just yesterday I was browsing through the site on a whim and got a chuckle out of this story, titled "Verizon Introduces New Charge-You-At-Whim Plan". Then, while browsing through the local news, I came across WTOP's story about a new surcharge that Verizon is about to introduce. The stories even carry the same date. Like I said: scarily prescient. But enough Onion-admiration; let's move on to the Verizon-bashing. The...

Ever wonder what pollster John Zogby is doing now that the elections are over? Zogby, famous for getting it totally wrong during the past presidential election, has enough free time these days to poll real people on who they think will win the presidential race on "The West Wing". Um, has anyone told this guy it's just a TV show? The Zogby website trumpets the following results:

Santos Favored over Vinick; Fictional Democrat Would Beat Fictional Republican, 44%-28%; Vinick Plagued by Gender Gap, Weak Showing Among GOPers, New Zogby Poll Reveals

Yeah, we know, it sounds like a fake headline from The Onion, right? The Canadian Press, of all people, alerted us to this story, showing us that even the Canadians care more about the "West Wing" than people here. The Zogby poll revels that Democratic Congressman Matthew Santos, played by dreamy Jimmy Smits, has a commanding lead when it comes to women over his Republican counterpart Sen. Arnold Vinick, played by the equally dreamy Alan Alda. With women, Santos/Smits outpolls Vinick/Alda by 53% to 22%. We're not surprised, really. Did you all see the last episode? Santos even thawed out Donna's frigid heart. Who would you like to see become the next president?

Don't get yourselves down about the gloomy weather, fellow DC-ites. Capital Weather suggests that it'll get sunny by tomorrow afternoon, and there are plenty of goodies to keep you occupied this weekend.

With the election this Tuesday, the lives of many people in D.C. are particularly busy. Whether you're working 20 hour days because of the election or a curious bystander, we're ready to help here at DCist.